18 trombone accessories you really shouldn’t buy (but they’re funny)

18 trombone accessories you really shouldn’t buy (but they’re funny)

18 trombone accessories you really shouldn’t buy

(But they’re funny)

I have taken a deep dive into AliExpress and its trombone accessories. It has been an interesting and amusing experience that I want to share with you. Let’s dig in!

1. The Trombone Clip On Mustache

I am amazed I’ve made it this far in my trombone career without this essential accessory. As you can tell from the pictures, it is suitable for men and women of all genders, and children. I especially like the fit when the mouthpiece isn’t close to the lips 😂.

Those of you who like to measure the corners of your lips before purchasing mustaches will be pleased to know that this item measures 6.5 cm (2.55 in) by 3.5 cm (1.37 in).

It’s currently on sale for only $13.37, down 45% from the original price of $24.31. A steal? Absolutely – in the most literal sense!

2. The Euphonium Clip On Mustache

I believe this is the exact same product but marketed towards euphonium players, conveniently shown here on a trumpet. Pro tip – this one is half the price compared to the trombone version!

I also appreciate their product description: “Euphonium Accessory Trombone Clip-On Mustache Multipurpose Humorous Trombone Protective Case Trombone Gear Convenient”

To top it off, they say that it “Comes with two clip-on mustaches in a hard, protective case so you can throw them in your instrument bag and carry them around safely.” You wouldn’t want your mustache to get hurt.

3. The Trombone Watergate Key Bond

Have you ever asked your local instrument repair guy for a “Trombone Watergate Key Bond”? I bet he didn’t have any, but here’s exactly what you were looking for! It’s described as “Drain Clique Trombone Accessory Durbale Wind Instruments Trombones Parts”. Says it all, doesn’t it?

To seal the deal they inform that “The trombone watergate key is easy to install, it will not hurt your trombone”. Glad to know it won’t bug my trombone and rest assured, it won’t cause any leaks!

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4. The Portable Trumpet Spit Valve

Here’s one for all of you with portable trumpets! I’m not sure if it also fits stationary trumpets. It’s a bit pricey, but it makes up for that in sheer size! According to the description, it could also fit a trombone. You let me know when you decipher it: “Replacement Parts Water Value Holders for Trombone.”

5. Water-resistant Trombone Gig Bag

For all of us who like to swim to work and want to make sure our precious instrument doesn’t get wet on the spit valve. It also looks like the gig bag is made for a flat (inflatable?) trombone bell. If this sounds like something for you, then you are only $36.43 away from your next trombone case! And with 5mm padding, I’m sure it is almost as protective as my pBone case…

6. Can suck saliva when placed

They nailed the description on this Trombone Horn Cover:
“Trombone Horn Cover Musical Instrument Bell Dust-proof Cover Muffler Accessory for Trombone Saxophone Tuba Brass Instrument.” And if this wasn’t enough of a selling point, they also state that it “can be dustproof, can suck saliva when placed, protect the luggage.” I’m not sure what luggage it protects—maybe the hard-shell trunks when loaded into an airplane. We don’t want any trombones putting a dent in those Samsonites, do we?

Still not convinced? Here’s the full description:
“The music instrument bell cover is made of premium material, providing moderate cushioning. Reusable and easy to clean. Convenient to install. Reduce the sound when practicing your instrument in your house. Prevent it from getting dirty when you don’t use it.”

I also quite like the trombone in the picture. French bone?

7. Trombone Care Lubricant

I don’t know where to start with this one! It’s said to both lubricate and clean the instrument. I think that could put Slide-O-Mix out of business. My first thought when shopping for lubricants is, “Will it fit into my gig bag?” I’m glad they put the dimensions out there—I’ll go ahead and measure up my gig bag straight away.

Then there is the surprise element to the purchase: Will I get 1, 3, or 20 bottles?

“Our Trombone Slide Lubricants provide effective lubrication to your trombone’s slide. Made with high-quality synthetic lubricant, it works with standard or lightweight slides without any build-up.” Is this the first lubricant on the market for both standard and lightweight slides? About time!

And when you thought it couldn’t get any better: “It gives your trombone a clear, full tone every time you play!”

8. Sturdy Trombone Mouthpiece

8. Trumpet Mouthpiece Sturdy Trombone Mouthpiece

This is an interesting design. They have spent years of product development to make a mouthpiece that fits both a trumpet and a trombone. And then it turns out such a mouthpiece looks surprisingly similar to a French horn mouthpiece. Does that mean it fits a French bone too?

I think there are more models coming since this one is specifically “for Starters Amateurs Concert”. A sturdy mouthpiece for just $5.17 – go for it!

9. Useful Hot Sale Professional Tenor Copper Trombone

Now we’re talking: A pro bone for just $714.07! But hurry up, I don’t know for how long the 3% discount is valid. As you can see in the picture, it’s a left-hand trombone with a left-hand valve. A unique design for people with two left hands. It comes with a “Beautiful Storage Box”. The bell size is claimed to be a fairly standard 215.9mm, but I have some doubts about the slide size claim of 13.89mm. But if you have two left hands, maybe your arms are shorter than average too…

10. Children’s Adult Church Brass Instrument In Bb tone

Let’s repeat that: “Trombone Instrument Pipe Alto Trombone Children’s Adult Church Brass Instrument In Bb tone”. Let’s not dig deeper into what a Children’s Adult Church is.

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11. Good quality professional trombone

This one is cute! But I would like to see a video of someone actually holding and playing it before they get my $470.61. If you’re used to Western piccolo trombones, note this is a ‘Brass Body Gold Lacquer Chinese piccolo trombone.’ I’m used to neither.

12. It’s portable: Trombone Mouthpiece Replacements

“Trombone Mouthpiece Replacements Professional Mouth Piece Portable for Trombone.” Being a mouthpiece replacement, it sure looks more mouthpiece-y than I would have expected. But at least it’s portable!

13. B Flat Trombone Brass Plated with gloves

Not much is said about this magnificent instrument. But it comes with gloves – what else do you need to know? “New Arrival B Flat Trombone Brass Plated with case, gloves, wind instruments Free Shipping”

It does look a bit disproportional, but that’s probably just the internet messing with the perspective.

14. Trombone Drawtube Oil improves confidence

Trombone Drawtube Oil

I love it! From now on, I will only call my slide a drawtube. “I play the drawtube trombone.” “I’m a professional jazz drawtuber.” Also, the image suggests that this trombone lubricant is especially suitable for alto saxophone players wearing questionable neckties.

They also nailed it with the product description: “Looking for an effective way to maintain your trombone. Our Music Instrument Lubricants provide excellent lubrication, protecting against wear and rust while reducing maintenance frequency and costs. You’ll save time and energy while improving your playing and confidence.” This is music to my ears as an insecure Slide-O-Mix user!

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15. Fits all kind of alto trombones

Alto Trombone Copper Mouthpiece

I’m struggling a bit with this one, the Alto Trombone Copper Mouthpiece. It looks like a trombone mouthpiece although they claim it’s “Designed for trombone mouthpiece”. But at least it is versatile – it obviously fits both the trumpet alto trombone, french horn alto trombone, and the trombone alto trombone. Did I miss anything?

16. Pull Pipe Trombone Stand

The one and only Pull Pipe Trombone Stand

This looks like a product that could potentially work. And the fact that it supports both alto, tenor, and bass trombones is quite impressive. But who cares – it’s also works with pull pipe trombones!!! Please note the color. It’s called A. Not black. A.

17. Worst Product Picture Ever?

MARGEWATE Bb Tenor Trombone

And the winner of the category Worst Product Picture Ever goes to… The Margewate MGT-220 Bb Tune Tenor Trombone! It raises so many relevant questions:

Who is that guy? Why is he holding the trombone upside down? Why is it called a musical instrument horn? And why don’t I own one!!!


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18. “Fingers do not sweat easily”

Please note that the SLADE Tenor Trombone is currently only available in the color tenor trombone. But at least they included the measurements that all serious trombone players know by heart. That 14cm distance between the slide and the top of the bell is a sweet spot.

I will now let the SLADE Trombone company speak for itself about its upgraded quality upgrade, and how non-sweaty fingers reduce playing errors:

-. The whole system is upgraded quality upgrade, complete accessories, easy to learn, a variety of optional.
-. The use of non-welding technology, environmental health, lead-free welding non-toxic, harmless, natural and environmentally friendly, the mouth cup after diamond grinding, comfortable and easy to blow, are carefully designed and produced, more able to play a rich tone
-. Adopt nickel-copper material drainage is not easy to rust, screws nickel-plated will not be corroded because of saliva rust, highlighting the flexibility of the waterproof valve
-. Fingers do not sweat easily when playing for a long time, which reduces unnecessary mistakes in playing.

That’s all for now. Do you have suggestions for more non-vital trombone products that should be on this list? Let me know in the comments. If you prefer useful trombone products, consider touching the link.

As always – SLIDE ON!
Anders Larson trombone player

Funny trombone accessories from AliExpress


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